“Save the Environment: Commit Murder”: A Pseudo Press Release

Editorial Comment: This is my pseudo press release written for the EPA, which now promotes murder for the cause of environmental stewardship. 🙂

PRESS RELEASE: The EPA Launches New Environmental Awareness Campaign: “Save the Environment: Commit Murder!”

August 29, 2014 Washington, D.C.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is launching a new multiple-channel advertising campaign to raise public awareness of the environmental benefits of committing acts of homicide, either spontaneous or premeditated.

“Let’s get real,” says Sally Snarkey, PharmD, BSN, Chair of the Subcommittee to Promote Murder, which spearheads the campaign. “As a species, we often condescendingly refer to other animals as ‘nuisance’ ones, such as gophers in the Rockies who destroy golf courses with their incessant tunneling and flippant attitudes, but the fact of the matter is there’s no greater nuisance animal than a person. Our Earth Mother basically regards the 6+ billion of us as a bad case of fleas, and she can’t shake us off fast enough–though, with earthquakes, tsunamis, floods and droughts, she’s valiantly trying. We just see our new policy as helping to expedite this process, and we’re asking all conscientious Americans to join in the effort.”

The perfect storm of a dwindling supply of finite resources coupled with a skyrocketing global population has prompted the U.S. Secretary of the Interior to strongly encourage the EPA to devise “a feasible solution” American citizens concerned about planetary well-being could adopt without reservation.

The newly launched campaign, entitled “Save the Environment: Commit Murder,” rests upon the following brand identity pillars:

  1. There are too many fucktards consuming oxygen, water, and other finite resources who don’t deserve to;
  2. Our planet is severely distressed from the resource-consuming habits from the preponderance of the abovementioned fucktards;
  3. The overwhelming majority of U.S. citizens, according to a June 2014 Gallup Poll, are “deeply upset” about ecological imbalance and rate as “very eager” to implement changes that are seen as “cost-effective” and “personally satisfying.”
  4. Everyone possesses the means to terminate other human lives, from basic kitchen and gardening tools to office supplies, registered weaponry and vehicles to farm equipment;
  5. Killing just feels good, so there is a collective morale-boosting potential amidst the ongoing economic recession and parade of social ills.

“We know we’ve got a winner of a campaign here, and the launch is timed to coincide with the onset of insufferably hot weather in most of the country, when peoples’ nerves start to fray,” Snarkey continues. “But we’re reminding people to keep Mother Nature in their hearts as they go about their killing sprees and to carpool and use mass transit whenever possible, as well as use quivers made from sustainably harvested trees for their longbows. ‘Go green!'” Snarkey cheers. “‘Go kill!'”

The first television ad will be airing on all network and cable channels at 8 p.m. EST this evening. The EPA is also aggressively leveraging its online presence with several social networking sites.

Media inquiries: Call 1-800-Deep-Six

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